Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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