This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
