Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
