i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
