See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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