Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Randomize
