she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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