Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Pants are for mortals
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
