Don't make out with my wife yet
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Girls should come with a carfax report
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
