Betty ford says i'm here all night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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