Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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