got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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