Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
