I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
