If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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