I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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