Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
