I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We need to rekindle our bromance
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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