so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
