i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize