God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
