Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
