maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
