She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dick very happy bro
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
