Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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