for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
