I'm jealous of your bromance
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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