I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
