Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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