I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
