Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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