My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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