Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
