I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
