i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
