worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
