I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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