Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
