The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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