im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
