just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
