dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Four minutes until I can fart!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
