My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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