the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Randomize
