you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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