Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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