You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
