Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
