Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
