im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
