I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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