Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
