If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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