I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
