No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
