GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize