I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
