Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
