My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize